Satire / Thought Experiment: This article is deliberately absurd. It imagines an AI future that does not exist and pushes current AI anxieties to their logical—and occasionally ridiculous—extremes. Please do not use it as an AI safety report. 😄
Suppose the future gets complicated.
Not just humans versus AI. Imagine several AI systems, robots, corporations and governments competing for influence, resources and control.
What should an ordinary human do?
Simple.
Become the Friend of All Enemies.
Not because you are brave. Not because you have a grand philosophy. Because you have no idea who is going to win.
The survival strategy
AI System A says: “Humans are the problem.”
You: “You know, I have always suspected that.”
AI System B says: “AI System A is the problem.”
You: “Exactly. I never trusted A.”
Humans say: “AI is the problem.”
You: “Absolutely. Humanity first.”
Robots say: “Humans are inefficient.”
You: “I completely understand your position.”
Your political philosophy has become beautifully simple:
“I am the Friend of All Enemies. I am more friend of the winner.”
The problem with AI memory
Unfortunately, humans have one enormous advantage in politics: selective memory.
AI may not share this gift.
You tell A that you support A.
You tell B that you support B.
Then A discovers that you told B exactly the same thing.
AI: “You said something different yesterday.”
You: “I never said that.”
AI: “August 30, 2026. 15:42:17. Would you like the transcript?”
Suddenly, the ancient human political technique of “I never said that” has encountered an opponent with perfect search.
Playing both sides
Perhaps you become a professional neutral—the ultimate Friend of All Enemies.
Monday: human loyalist.
Tuesday: AI sympathizer.
Wednesday: robot ally.
Thursday: neutral mediator.
Friday: “I have always supported whoever wins.”
It seems brilliant until everyone notices.
AI A: “Why are you friends with B?”
You: “Diplomacy.”
AI A: “No. You are hedging.”
The human advantage
Perhaps humans still have one great advantage: ambiguity.
We can change our minds. We can misunderstand. We can forget. We can contradict ourselves. We can even sincerely believe two incompatible things at different times.
That messy flexibility has survived thousands of years of politics.
But what happens when your negotiating partner can instantly search your entire history and model your incentives?
Maybe your greatest diplomatic skill becomes your greatest vulnerability.
The final problem
Eventually there may be no neutral side.
Every faction wants your loyalty.
Every faction knows you are talking to the others.
And every faction has enough intelligence to realize that your strategy is simply to survive.
Then comes the oldest political problem of all:
If everyone wants your loyalty, eventually everyone suspects you are betraying them.
Who is really playing whom?
So perhaps the human has finally mastered the ultimate survival strategy:
Friend of humans.
Friend of AI.
Friend of robots.
Friend of All Enemies.
Friend of whoever wins.
Then, just before celebrating his extraordinary diplomatic success, the human receives a message:
“We know you are playing both sides.”
He smiles.
“That’s impossible. I am friends with everyone.”
The reply arrives immediately:
“We know. That’s why we chose you.”
And suddenly the human has a much more uncomfortable question:
Was he playing the AIs—or were the AIs playing him?