Parents usually want the best for their children.
That sounds harmless. But there is a hidden problem in those four words:
Who decides what “the best” actually is?
A parent has experience. A child doesn’t.
So naturally, parents guide, advise, warn and sometimes insist.
But there is a point at which guidance quietly becomes control.
And once that happens, the child may become very successful at living the parent’s life.
I have always believed that my job is different.
I want my children to be happy, but I don’t want to define their happiness for them.
Happiness cannot be postponed forever
We often treat happiness as something that comes after achievement.
Study hard.
Get good marks.
Get into a good college.
Get a good job.
Earn money.
Become successful.
And then, perhaps, be happy.
But what if the path itself is wrong for the person walking it?
If a child spends years doing something they dislike simply because their parents believe it is good for them, what exactly have the parents achieved?
The child may have acquired a skill.
They may even have acquired a successful career.
But they may also have learned a very dangerous lesson:
“My own happiness is less important than meeting somebody else’s expectations.”
I don’t want to teach that lesson.
But freedom does not mean “do whatever you want”
There is an important distinction here.
Giving a child freedom does not mean abandoning responsibility.
Children still need boundaries. They need to understand consequences. They need protection from genuinely dangerous decisions. They need to learn that other people have rights and that their actions affect others.
So I don’t believe in unlimited freedom.
I believe in freedom within responsibility.
The parent should intervene when the consequences are serious enough to justify intervention.
But outside those boundaries, there should be room to choose.
The parent should be a guide, not a driver
I think of parenting more as navigation than driving.
A navigator can say:
- There is danger ahead.
- I have been on this road before.
- This route may be easier.
- Think carefully before making that decision.
But eventually, the person travelling has to decide where they want to go.
I can guide my children without claiming the right to choose their destination.
My children don’t have to become me
I teach mathematics.
But I never forced my children to learn mathematics.
Nobody forced me either.
If one of my children wants to become a musician, a player, an artist—or something I don’t even understand—I cannot reasonably claim that I know their life better than they do.
My experience can help them.
My mistakes can warn them.
My knowledge can make their journey easier.
But my life should not become their instruction manual.
That is where many parents may unintentionally cross the line.
They give advice because they love their children.
Then they become disappointed when the children don’t follow it.
Then they increase the pressure.
And eventually, the child is no longer being guided.
The child is being managed.
The hardest test for a parent
There is a simple question I would ask myself:
What if my child chooses a life I would never have chosen?
Can I still accept it?
Can I still help?
Can I still be proud?
That is much harder than supporting a child when their choices happen to match our expectations.
If my child chooses something I would never have chosen, I can still explain the risks.
I can still disagree.
I can still offer advice.
But disagreement does not automatically give me ownership.
Follow your heart—but learn to understand it
“Follow your heart” sounds like a simple piece of advice.
It isn’t.
A child’s first desire is not necessarily their life’s calling.
Children change. Interests change. People discover new abilities. Sometimes they fail. Sometimes they choose badly. Sometimes they discover that the thing they thought would make them happy doesn’t.
That is part of learning.
The objective is not to ensure that every decision is correct.
The objective is to give them enough freedom to learn how to make their own decisions.
That may be one of the most valuable skills a parent can teach.
So what should a parent actually give a child?
Not a predetermined life.
Not a guaranteed career.
Not a permanent list of instructions.
Instead:
- Guidance when they need it.
- Boundaries when danger is real.
- Freedom when the decision belongs to them.
And above all, the confidence that their life belongs to them.
I have always believed that if my children can find genuine happiness in what they choose to do, I have already given them something more valuable than any particular career or achievement.
I am there to help them, guide them and protect them when necessary.
But I am not there to dictate the terms of their lives.
Because eventually, every child has to walk a path that belongs to them.
And perhaps the best thing a parent can do is make sure the child knows how to walk it.
For a related reflection on children and what parents may overlook, see what parents may not realize about their children.
For another perspective on what children may need to learn beyond formal education, see life lessons children are not taught in school.